TLDR
If you’re a parent – of any age children – read this book.
I was already far enough along in my parenting to do some real damage when I discovered Andy Stanley and heard his sermon, “Choosing to Cheat” (now a book, “When Work and Family Collide”, also highly recommended). It rocked me as a dad, and I began to hang on to every word Stanley had to say on parenting.
Over the years the many sermons, podcasts, and quips he and his wife Sandra have put out have helped my wife and I raise our kids to be the fantastic adults they are today. We’ve screwed up plenty, but we’ve also had success in that we have a great relationship with our adult kids.
Now Andy and Sandra have collected much of their wisdom into one place, “Parenting: Getting It Right“. I listened to the book on Audible (read by the authors). If you’re a parent – of any age children – you need to read this book.
Define The Win
I really think the book’s title should be “Getting ‘It’ Right” because parenting starts with defining the “it”, the “win” for you as a parent. Andy and Sandra define their “it” up front (I won’t spoil it) and the rest of the book is a strategy for achieving the win. So if you don’t agree with their “it”, then much of the book won’t work for you. But I can tell you, their parenting goal was largely our goal as well, and looking at where we are now, we’ve largely achieved a win that took 27 years to achieve (and still takes work today). But it’s so worth it.
Side Note: On defining the “it” you’re striving for, this is important in any area of life: parenting, business, personal growth, etc. Many of us, without stating it specifically, think of success in the realm of raising kids as “at least they haven’t gotten arrested, gotten pregnant, and aren’t on drugs”. What your kids aren’t isn’t a positive goal. And just being a responsible citizen or financially successful is incomplete. You can be either of those without having a positive impact on the world. There is no guarantee of “success” in parenting, but without a goal and intentional effort, you and your kids will float through their very short time at home and you’ll arrive at nothing. Quoting Stanley elsewhere, “Direction, not intention, determines destination.”
Four Stages of Parenting
Their strategies for parenting during different relationship stages is valuable, especially to parents with young kids, but even to my wife and I today (Sometimes it’s hard to remember that we’re in the “Friendship” stage, not the training or coaching stage!).
The strategies they detail are:
- Discipline (0-5)
- Training (5-12)
- Coaching (12-18)
- Friendship (18+)
Sandra and Andy give concrete examples of life in each stage, along with real-life examples of leaning into the stage and age-appropriate ways to aim toward the win. I really do love hearing their anecdotes, and in case you’re radar is up, they describe both successes and failures in how they handled situations with their kids.
What If I’m Not a Christian?
If you’re a Jesus-follower, then, of course, you’ll find their advice rings true with Jesus’ commandments to love others, but you won’t find any of the fundamentalist discipline strategies you’ll find in many “Christian” parenting books.
But if you’re not a Christian, don’t worry; you don’t have to believe in Jesus to find Andy and Sandra’s advice practical and achievable.
I wish I had this book when my kids were little. I wish I would have been humble enough to have prepared for fatherhood by reading a book like this. With age comes wisdom, I suppose. Here’s to hoping young parents will take my advice and read this book.
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